“You do not deserve any of the abuse you are getting. You need to look in the mirror and believe you are worthy of love and respect”

October 17th, 2017

I deserve to die. I am a sinner.

Every breathe I get to take is by the mercy of God. The rest is just me being blessed by the Creator of the Universe. I am not deserving of any deed. I love as God loves me and I pray that others follow that commandment as well so that I can feel the love of Christ through my fellow human beings. When I don’t, I don’t feel slighted because I know that what I do and who I am does not demand that I am somehow deserving of some good because of my own deed or works. One cannot “expect” goodness in this life, but every moment of goodness that is there, know that it is God and God alone that it comes from. We are sinful and sorrowful. We have the choice to be the light of God, but it is His light and His goodness that shines through us. Not our own.

Karma or sowing seeds?

September 26th, 2017

Special K,

So the whole Karma thing. Can I tell you what I think? Its my blog so of course I can!! Hahaha…

Ok well… first off I hate that word. It to me doesn’t represent wishing ill but the basis of a false religion. However, one could liken it to the concept of our faith that we know as sowing seeds.

Read this passage:

Matthew 13Revised Standard Version Catholic Edition (RSVCE)

The Parable of the Sower

13 That same day Jesus went out of the house and sat beside the sea. And great crowds gathered about him, so that he got into a boat and sat there; and the whole crowd stood on the beach. And he told them many things in parables, saying: “A sower went out to sow. And as he sowed, some seeds fell along the path, and the birds came and devoured them. Other seeds fell on rocky ground, where they had not much soil, and immediately they sprang up, since they had no depth of soil, but when the sun rose they were scorched; and since they had no root they withered away. Other seeds fell upon thorns, and the thorns grew up and choked them. Other seeds fell on good soil and brought forth grain, some a hundredfold, some sixty, some thirty. He who has ears,[a] let him hear.”

The Purpose of the Parables

10 Then the disciples came and said to him, “Why do you speak to them in parables?” 11 And he answered them, “To you it has been given to know the secrets of the kingdom of heaven, but to them it has not been given. 12 For to him who has will more be given, and he will have abundance; but from him who has not, even what he has will be taken away.[b]13 This is why I speak to them in parables, because seeing they do not see, and hearing they do not hear, nor do they understand. 14 With them indeed is fulfilled the prophecy of Isaiah which says:

‘You shall indeed hear but never understand,
    and you shall indeed see but never perceive.
15 For this people’s heart has grown dull,
    and their ears are heavy of hearing,
    and their eyes they have closed,
lest they should perceive with their eyes,
    and hear with their ears,
and understand with their heart,
    and turn for me to heal them.’

16 But blessed are your eyes, for they see, and your ears, for they hear. 17 Truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous men longed to see what you see, and did not see it, and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it.

The Parable of the Sower Explained

18 “Hear then the parable of the sower. 19 When any one hears the word of the kingdom and does not understand it, the evil one comes and snatches away what is sown in his heart; this is what was sown along the path. 20 As for what was sown on rocky ground, this is he who hears the word and immediately receives it with joy; 21 yet he has no root in himself, but endures for a while, and when tribulation or persecution arises on account of the word, immediately he falls away.[c] 22 As for what was sown among thorns, this is he who hears the word, but the cares of the world and the delight in riches choke the word, and it proves unfruitful. 23 As for what was sown on good soil, this is he who hears the word and understands it; he indeed bears fruit, and yields, in one case a hundredfold, in another sixty, and in another thirty.”

The Parable of Weeds among the Wheat

24 Another parable he put before them, saying, “The kingdom of heaven may be compared to a man who sowed good seed in his field; 25 but while men were sleeping, his enemy came and sowed weeds among the wheat, and went away. 26 So when the plants came up and bore grain, then the weeds appeared also. 27 And the servants[d] of the householder came and said to him, ‘Sir, did you not sow good seed in your field? How then has it weeds?’ 28 He said to them, ‘An enemy has done this.’ The servants[e] said to him, ‘Then do you want us to go and gather them?’ 29 But he said, ‘No; lest in gathering the weeds you root up the wheat along with them. 30 Let both grow together until the harvest; and at harvest time I will tell the reapers, Gather the weeds first and bind them in bundles to be burned, but gather the wheat into my barn.’”

That part I bolded and highlighted is where I think you feel we shouldn’t judge, but justly reminding people where the right path is, gently loving and guiding… I think that can help.


What do you think of that passage??

September 24th, 2017

Chocolate cake. Smug little existence. I guess you might say I’m a little jealous of you.

People gaze at you lovingly knowing the joy you’ll bring them. Even if it is only for a moment, followed by a pain and perhaps weeks of work to get rid of what it’s left behind.

Cocky little treat. They look at you and think how desirable you are. They can barely resist. Some don’t even try. They just dive right in. Yes most regret not exercising self discipline and averting there eyes from you completely. Mostly though, they all dive in, feel the pang of regret and then quickly forget until the next piece of cake is laid out for them to devour.

I feel like life as a carrot is hard. I’m a little sweet.  I’m definitely good for you. Your mom has always told you that. Still, I’m a little boring. Sure I’ll sustain you, I’ll fuel your cells with nutrients but I’m hard to compare to the rush of that chocolate cake.

What I desire in this life is someone who knows the value of the carrot and the deceit of the chocolate. I need someone who desires health and the steady companionship it provides. Someone who isn’t tempted by what that chocolate cake brings because they know deep inside that the feeling is temporary and destruction is sure to follow.

I wish there was someone who just appreciated my goodness and didn’t compare me to that terrible treat the decadent slice of cake.

Obliviously Racist

September 11th, 2017

So there she stood. In front of me, spewing from her mouth her judgement of my pain, of my life of the people within it. Her words seemed intended toward some good or else it was painfully obvious she believed this, but it was far from good.

She called them “garbage people”. She listed 3 separate people – people who have failed. People who aren’t perfect. People just like you and me. With one common difference. The color of their skin, the land from which they came – Garbage People.

She stood there and said that to me so painfully obvious that she desired something from them that she could not obtain. She said this over fed, disgustingly overweight, stinking of alcohol and what can only be described in defining the poorest of hygiene in someone with so many folds and crevices… psoriasis causing dead skin to feed on the bacteria breeding beneath each fold of uncleaned skin, the scent of a unkempt woman with rats in her bright red hair and make-up beneath her eyes – she smelled of the death of sin. She said all of these things about the “Garbage People” she so despised all while telling me that I am beautiful and strong and deserve better?

Excuse me for being confused. Excuse me for not understanding. Excuse me for not being able to hear your heart when it’s presented like this. Awful judgmental face disguised behind a blanket of presumed love and affection for me.

“Judging Others.1* a “Stop judging,* that you may not be judged.b2For as you judge, so will you be judged, and the measure with which you measure will be measured out to you.c3Why do you notice the splinter in your brother’s eye, but do not perceive the wooden beam in your own eye?4How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove that splinter from your eye,’ while the wooden beam is in your eye?5You hypocrite,* remove the wooden beam from your eye first; then you will see clearly to remove the splinter from your brother’s eye.” http://www.usccb.org/bible/matthew/7

Turning that verse around back at me….

I can’t throw it at her. I can’t. She’s not Christian. She can’t hear me. So I’ll just say it here and keep my pearls…

Pearls Before Swine.6“Do not give what is holy to dogs,* or throw your pearls before swine, lest they trample them underfoot, and turn and tear you to pieces.d

I see her. I see her soaking in her sin needing the hem of Jesus and not reaching out to touch it. I need to pray for her. For him, for them, for all us Garbage People. It’s time for deep prayer.

Wouldn’t it be nice.

September 10th, 2017

Wouldn’t it be nice –

Wouldn’t it be nice if I love you meant more? Wouldn’t it be nice if good intentions were enough?

Wouldn’t it be nice if life worked out like we planned? Wouldn’t it be nice if there were no pain to remind us we are merely men?

Wouldn’t it be nice if never was a promise I could hear and believe and forever not just a far away mystery?

Wouldn’t it be nice if I could flap my wings and fly away to the stars where the angels fly.

Back on earth here on earth I’m slowly fluttering back down,

Reality is real, life is life, pain is pain and it still cuts like a knife. My dear listen here cause the good things still stand! God still uses every pain for good in every evil plan. So tears I’ll cry because the fallen world burns and hurts, but the truth is still with us even while we deeply sob in bursts.

More likely I’m sad that I’m sad than really sad at the truth. I simply lost site of man and sin, forgot the pray for his strength withstand the demons dwelling near and within a strangely open heart to the dark. Perhaps it’s him? Perhaps it’s Me? Her? The concept? It’s a mystery.

Education is paramount. How did we get here? Where should I now stand?? Where shall I exist with what thoughts and what plans?

It’s a fresh start and a chance to renew. This pain surely hurts but I’m determined to forgive and yet not forget because from this pain we must learn. We must grow. We must never forget.

Homesteading in…. Mexico?

February 2nd, 2017

I’ve always wanted to Homestead. The benefits and most of all, the lifestyle, have always appealed to me. My life situation has changed. There is a new person in my life. He’s amazing. He’s hardworking and he also prefers a “homesteading lifestyle”. Why the quotes you say? Well…. get this…. Homesteading where he is from, isn’t called “homesteading”. It’s called….Life.

He’s from a rural mountain village. Homesteading is all there is. I’m just so excited! How is it that I meet someone like that?! That life is all I have ever wanted and suddenly, without looking for him, here’s this guy that is from that same frame of mind and it just blows my mind! I mean there’s communities of people out there that have the same way of thinking, but I don’t meet them generally or certainly haven’t met one that I ended up dating 🙂 Now, that all changes.


Love… or was it?

September 9th, 2015


I was so deep in my passionate dance with Jesus… just swirling in the emotional bath of his grace and glory… His love was so enveloping and strong and true… that I didn’t realize that that boy who was standing next to me wasn’t the one. He didn’t love me like I thought he did. He was just standing in my shadow. So close in my drunken love that I thought he was the one. It was Jesus. It was always Jesus. My worship overflowed on the wrong one. I should have kept my eyes up. Now I see. Now it’s clear. It was Jesus that was loving me all along…

Now that I see what human love really is… What it truly feels like to have a person really really love you… now I see the truth. Now I can see. It’s deep and distracting and warm and delicious, but it’s no where near the same. It’s beautiful and comfortable. It’s a different kind of cozy, a place that makes sense. Where things are clear and honest and not always easy. It’s a special privileged place to be. It’s humbling and faith growing… but it’s not the same.

It’s hard to see how confused I could have been. It’s hard to see. How could I have confused the two? They’re so different. I’d never truly been loved before. Never had that gaze that -break my back for you everyday- commitment. That dream with me and love these people who we were blessed to raise as a team thing. I had no idea it could feel like this. I had no idea it was really real.
…it really is real. I am loved. By my creator… and by someone He sent to love me. This is it. This is love.

I have so many dreams…

January 8th, 2015

I have so many ideas, desires, and dreams. It’s time to keep track and share this journey. It’s time to get passionate living life and being intentional about it. I don’t know where to start or what will be of interest, but this I know… I have a lot to say. This is my outlet. Welcome…

First Off! Have you seen “Alaska: The Last Frontier”?! It’s like someone peeked in my brain as I asked to myself, “Does anyone still homestead?”, and answered with a big resounding voice “YES!! AND IT IS JUST AS COOL AS YOU THINK IT IS!!!” So this show is a reality style TV show that follows the everyday lives of a couple generations of a family in Alaska, living the dream of self sustaining life, and have been for years.

They gather their food they, tend their herds, they smoke their fish, they build their homes and sometimes even their tools! This lifestyle is a dream to me as it is for some to travel the world or be movie star or play in the NFL! This is my dream and I want a piece of it… Just a slice.

So for now, newly single, working mother of 3 young boys… and by young… I mean young! (5, 4, & 2… We live in a fifth wheel trailer on my best friend’s property. I’m trying to live within my means – which is a whole new attempt for me. I’ve always known the first step was to not exhaust every single dime I had, but for me that has been the struggle all along. I need to start by living simply, so we can simply live.

After the lawyers are paid and that chapter of my life is behind me… it’s time to start really putting away what we don’t absolutely need! I need to work on a budget and make it happen ASAP! 2015 is the year! I’m telling you! We have been so dramatically blessed in the last few months, it’ s like God is saying I’m on the right track.

Saving up, buying some property, building a life. Step one! That’s where I’m at today. And it feels good…


If you want to check out that show, here’s a link

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