I was so deep in my passionate dance with Jesus… just swirling in the emotional bath of his grace and glory… His love was so enveloping and strong and true… that I didn’t realize that that boy who was standing next to me wasn’t the one. He didn’t love me like I thought he did. He was just standing in my shadow. So close in my drunken love that I thought he was the one. It was Jesus. It was always Jesus. My worship overflowed on the wrong one. I should have kept my eyes up. Now I see. Now it’s clear. It was Jesus that was loving me all along…
Now that I see what human love really is… What it truly feels like to have a person really really love you… now I see the truth. Now I can see. It’s deep and distracting and warm and delicious, but it’s no where near the same. It’s beautiful and comfortable. It’s a different kind of cozy, a place that makes sense. Where things are clear and honest and not always easy. It’s a special privileged place to be. It’s humbling and faith growing… but it’s not the same.
It’s hard to see how confused I could have been. It’s hard to see. How could I have confused the two? They’re so different. I’d never truly been loved before. Never had that gaze that -break my back for you everyday- commitment. That dream with me and love these people who we were blessed to raise as a team thing. I had no idea it could feel like this. I had no idea it was really real.
…it really is real. I am loved. By my creator… and by someone He sent to love me. This is it. This is love.
I have so many ideas, desires, and dreams. It’s time to keep track and share this journey. It’s time to get passionate living life and being intentional about it. I don’t know where to start or what will be of interest, but this I know… I have a lot to say. This is my outlet. Welcome…
First Off! Have you seen “Alaska: The Last Frontier”?! It’s like someone peeked in my brain as I asked to myself, “Does anyone still homestead?”, and answered with a big resounding voice “YES!! AND IT IS JUST AS COOL AS YOU THINK IT IS!!!” So this show is a reality style TV show that follows the everyday lives of a couple generations of a family in Alaska, living the dream of self sustaining life, and have been for years.
They gather their food they, tend their herds, they smoke their fish, they build their homes and sometimes even their tools! This lifestyle is a dream to me as it is for some to travel the world or be movie star or play in the NFL! This is my dream and I want a piece of it… Just a slice.
So for now, newly single, working mother of 3 young boys… and by young… I mean young! (5, 4, & 2… We live in a fifth wheel trailer on my best friend’s property. I’m trying to live within my means – which is a whole new attempt for me. I’ve always known the first step was to not exhaust every single dime I had, but for me that has been the struggle all along. I need to start by living simply, so we can simply live.
After the lawyers are paid and that chapter of my life is behind me… it’s time to start really putting away what we don’t absolutely need! I need to work on a budget and make it happen ASAP! 2015 is the year! I’m telling you! We have been so dramatically blessed in the last few months, it’ s like God is saying I’m on the right track.
Saving up, buying some property, building a life. Step one! That’s where I’m at today. And it feels good…
If you want to check out that show, here’s a linkFiled under Uncategorized | Comment (1)