Obliviously Racist

September 11th, 2017

So there she stood. In front of me, spewing from her mouth her judgement of my pain, of my life of the people within it. Her words seemed intended toward some good or else it was painfully obvious she believed this, but it was far from good.

She called them “garbage people”. She listed 3 separate people – people who have failed. People who aren’t perfect. People just like you and me. With one common difference. The color of their skin, the land from which they came – Garbage People.

She stood there and said that to me so painfully obvious that she desired something from them that she could not obtain. She said this over fed, disgustingly overweight, stinking of alcohol and what can only be described in defining the poorest of hygiene in someone with so many folds and crevices… psoriasis causing dead skin to feed on the bacteria breeding beneath each fold of uncleaned skin, the scent of a unkempt woman with rats in her bright red hair and make-up beneath her eyes – she smelled of the death of sin. She said all of these things about the “Garbage People” she so despised all while telling me that I am beautiful and strong and deserve better?

Excuse me for being confused. Excuse me for not understanding. Excuse me for not being able to hear your heart when it’s presented like this. Awful judgmental face disguised behind a blanket of presumed love and affection for me.

“Judging Others.1* a “Stop judging,* that you may not be judged.b2For as you judge, so will you be judged, and the measure with which you measure will be measured out to you.c3Why do you notice the splinter in your brother’s eye, but do not perceive the wooden beam in your own eye?4How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove that splinter from your eye,’ while the wooden beam is in your eye?5You hypocrite,* remove the wooden beam from your eye first; then you will see clearly to remove the splinter from your brother’s eye.” http://www.usccb.org/bible/matthew/7

Turning that verse around back at me….

I can’t throw it at her. I can’t. She’s not Christian. She can’t hear me. So I’ll just say it here and keep my pearls…

Pearls Before Swine.6“Do not give what is holy to dogs,* or throw your pearls before swine, lest they trample them underfoot, and turn and tear you to pieces.d

I see her. I see her soaking in her sin needing the hem of Jesus and not reaching out to touch it. I need to pray for her. For him, for them, for all us Garbage People. It’s time for deep prayer.

Homesteading in…. Mexico?

February 2nd, 2017

I’ve always wanted to Homestead. The benefits and most of all, the lifestyle, have always appealed to me. My life situation has changed. There is a new person in my life. He’s amazing. He’s hardworking and he also prefers a “homesteading lifestyle”. Why the quotes you say? Well…. get this…. Homesteading where he is from, isn’t called “homesteading”. It’s called….Life.

He’s from a rural mountain village. Homesteading is all there is. I’m just so excited! How is it that I meet someone like that?! That life is all I have ever wanted and suddenly, without looking for him, here’s this guy that is from that same frame of mind and it just blows my mind! I mean there’s communities of people out there that have the same way of thinking, but I don’t meet them generally or certainly haven’t met one that I ended up dating 🙂 Now, that all changes.


Love… or was it?

September 9th, 2015


I was so deep in my passionate dance with Jesus… just swirling in the emotional bath of his grace and glory… His love was so enveloping and strong and true… that I didn’t realize that that boy who was standing next to me wasn’t the one. He didn’t love me like I thought he did. He was just standing in my shadow. So close in my drunken love that I thought he was the one. It was Jesus. It was always Jesus. My worship overflowed on the wrong one. I should have kept my eyes up. Now I see. Now it’s clear. It was Jesus that was loving me all along…

Now that I see what human love really is… What it truly feels like to have a person really really love you… now I see the truth. Now I can see. It’s deep and distracting and warm and delicious, but it’s no where near the same. It’s beautiful and comfortable. It’s a different kind of cozy, a place that makes sense. Where things are clear and honest and not always easy. It’s a special privileged place to be. It’s humbling and faith growing… but it’s not the same.

It’s hard to see how confused I could have been. It’s hard to see. How could I have confused the two? They’re so different. I’d never truly been loved before. Never had that gaze that -break my back for you everyday- commitment. That dream with me and love these people who we were blessed to raise as a team thing. I had no idea it could feel like this. I had no idea it was really real.
…it really is real. I am loved. By my creator… and by someone He sent to love me. This is it. This is love.

I have so many dreams…

January 8th, 2015

I have so many ideas, desires, and dreams. It’s time to keep track and share this journey. It’s time to get passionate living life and being intentional about it. I don’t know where to start or what will be of interest, but this I know… I have a lot to say. This is my outlet. Welcome…

First Off! Have you seen “Alaska: The Last Frontier”?! It’s like someone peeked in my brain as I asked to myself, “Does anyone still homestead?”, and answered with a big resounding voice “YES!! AND IT IS JUST AS COOL AS YOU THINK IT IS!!!” So this show is a reality style TV show that follows the everyday lives of a couple generations of a family in Alaska, living the dream of self sustaining life, and have been for years.

They gather their food they, tend their herds, they smoke their fish, they build their homes and sometimes even their tools! This lifestyle is a dream to me as it is for some to travel the world or be movie star or play in the NFL! This is my dream and I want a piece of it… Just a slice.

So for now, newly single, working mother of 3 young boys… and by young… I mean young! (5, 4, & 2… We live in a fifth wheel trailer on my best friend’s property. I’m trying to live within my means – which is a whole new attempt for me. I’ve always known the first step was to not exhaust every single dime I had, but for me that has been the struggle all along. I need to start by living simply, so we can simply live.

After the lawyers are paid and that chapter of my life is behind me… it’s time to start really putting away what we don’t absolutely need! I need to work on a budget and make it happen ASAP! 2015 is the year! I’m telling you! We have been so dramatically blessed in the last few months, it’ s like God is saying I’m on the right track.

Saving up, buying some property, building a life. Step one! That’s where I’m at today. And it feels good…


If you want to check out that show, here’s a link

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